No Fool Like An Old Fool

Lesley Saweard (Christine Barford)

The title of this week’s blog is Christine’s description of herself as the news that she invested £50k in the dodgy Melling Equestrian Investments scheme goes round the extended Archer family clan. Christine is optimistic that she’ll get her money back, but Peggy tries to give her a reality check, saying that the money will be long gone by now.

Lilian blames herself - was her previous involvement with Matt a factor in persuading her aunt to invest? Christine dismisses this, pointing out that she didn’t invest with Matt, but with Hugo Melling and the fault was entirely hers. Despite this, Lilian tries to get Christine to accept a cheque for £50k, but she won’t hear of it. And it’s not just Lilian, as, at the end of the week, Christine reveals that she lied about the amount that she lost; it wasn’t £50k, but more like £300,000k, or the entire profit from selling Woodbine Cottage.

Christine is apprehensive, wondering how she would cope if she had to go into a home. This is prompted by the fact that Anisha’s dad is suffering from dementia and needs to go into a home. The question is, should this be in his home city of Glasgow, or in Ambridge, where Anisha could see him every day? Christine is terrified that she will end up in a home miles from Ambridge. Peggy says that she would never let this happen and, if the worst happened, she would pay for Christine. Christine says that she wouldn’t take her money and swears Peggy to secrecy about the amount she lost. Peggy agrees.

Of course, if Christine were to go into a home due to dementia, she probably wouldn’t know what day it was, never mind who’s paying for her room. As regards to not telling anyone, I can’t help thinking that Peter (Christine’s son) will be in for a surprise and severe disappointment when Christine’s Will is read and there’s no bundle of cash from the sale of Woodbine. You have to applaud the generosity of Lilian and Peggy - it must be nice to have the odd £50k knocking around that you wouldn’t miss.

In the first paragraph, I mentioned Christine’s optimism regarding her money and it seems that this might be infectious, as the week ends with Peggy saying “Don’t worry - we’ll sort something out.” Oh yeah? I’d be interested in your suggestions about exactly what you are going to do, Peggy. Shula shocks Peggy when she describes Matt as “that obnoxious, unfeeling scumbag”, which I submit is extremely mild, compared with how he could have been described. Whatever, Shula apologises for her outburst and I think we can safely say that she’s probably not a fan when it comes to Matt.

Let’s leave Christine blaming herself and quietly moping and turn to the other big story of the week - the Parish Council election. To say that Ambridge was gripped by election fever would be hyperbole - more accurate is that it was slightly nudged by mild interest. Of course, the two candidates, Robert Snell and Emma Grundy, were deeply interested - even more so when it transpired that a recount would be necessary. Could we stand the suspense? Emma was particularly nervous, as, for the first time, she realised that she had been in with a chance and couldn’t bear to lose now.

As it happens, Emma won by three votes and is congratulated by Robert. Lynda, on the other hand, took defeat badly and moans that Emma probably won’t have the time to devote to being a Councillor and that she has taken Robert’s place. Robert is completely laid back and, when Alan gives him his commiserations, he says that, on the contrary, it is what he wanted and he’s taking Lynda to Grey Gables to celebrate. Lynda carries on moaning, but Robert cuts her short, pointing out that Emma managed to enthuse the youngsters, as indicated by the fact that turnout doubled.

Emma, says Robert, will be a credit to the Council and she is what it needs “instead of dusty old men like me spouting the same dusty old ideas.” And then he drops his bombshell as he tells his wife “That’s why I voted for her.” I must admit that this was one of the few times that I wished the Archers was on TV, as we didn’t hear Lynda’s response, but I bet her face was a picture.

Lynda’s week didn’t go as planned on a number of fronts - she asks Alan if he has had the chance to read her Sleeping Beauty script yet and he says that he is looking at alternative scripts, including one by a friend of his, which, as he rather tactlessly points out, has fewer couplets than Lynda’s efforts. She is scandalised, saying that she never thought she’d see the day when the Ambridge Panto was dumbed down. Alan takes his life in his hands when he says that this year’s offering will be more relaxed. “It’s a bit of fun, really” he observes and Lynda is apoplectic at what she sees as heresy on a grand scale.

For someone who is supposed to be stepping back, Lynda seems to be getting more involved. She questions Alan as to whether he has arranged rehearsal dates and the like and he replies that he is holding a casting session this week and he is sure that he will be beating people off with sticks. ‘Fraid not, vicar - the only person to turn up is Susan, who bags the part of the Good Fairy and then goes home, leaving Alan to spend two hours alone in the Village Hall.

Lynda gives him the benefit of her experience, telling him that he has to be totally ruthless - cajole people, flatter them and exploit any weakness that you can find. Keep on at them and wear them down until they agree. In short, batter them into submission. You can see why she was scandalised when Alan called it ‘a bit of fun’ - how wrong can you be? I wouldn’t be surprised if Lynda didn’t go to rehearsals equipped with a Taser to keep her terrified cast in line and to punish those who weren’t word perfect.

Because of the Panto, Alan has totally forgotten about the St Stephen’s Nativity Play, but the children haven’t . Nic reminds him and he begs her to oversee the organisation of it. She is reluctant, but pulls it together beautifully and the Man of God is very grateful. He was also given advice by Nic about how to attract people and, while Lynda’s approach could be described as ‘the iron hand in the iron glove’, Nic is more subtle. She tells Alan that he should ask people face to face (he texted Eddie and was turned down) and she agrees to ask her father-in-law, suggesting that he might be tempted if he had a song to sing in the show. Eddie agrees like a shot and Lynda nastily says “that’s two people you’ve got in your cast now.”

Justin Elliott is not a happy bunny - not only does he have to go to the police, along with his solicitor, to talk about the night of Matt’s ‘accident’, but the police are appealing to the public for information about the scam. Lilian says that she’ll drive him, but he turns her down, muttering about it being “too little, too late.” He returns to the Dower House in a foul mood, saying that the police kept trying to catch him out and that they regard his relationship with Lilian as a credible motive for him trying to kill Matt. Seething, he sits outside the Dower House and Lilian joins him. She wants to talk to him and says again that nothing happened between her and Matt. Why would she risk her marriage for that lowlife?

Justin replies that he doesn’t know if he can believe a word she says and a saddened Lilian says that perhaps she ought to move away for a while. “I believe that might be for the best” her fiancé replies. Am I the only one to be puzzled about the whopping great elephant in the room when these two talk - to wit, the whole subject of their marriage? I cannot believe that Lilian believes that it is still going to take place, the way things are between her and Justin. Equally, why doesn’t he put her out of her misery by saying ‘marriage? What marriage you untruthful harlot?’ I put it to you that telling your fiancée that it is a good idea that she moves out demonstrates a certain lack of affection. We know Lilian has been under strain, as she ordered Prosecco rather than champagne for the Reception.

Over at Brookfield, Rooooth praises Pip for her hard work during the year and says that she and David have decided that the milking parlour needs a total refit. Pip squeals with delight, as she hates the present layout and becomes positively orgasmic when Rooooth says that she can have the leading role in the new design. Mind you, it doesn’t take much to make Pip happy, as she tells her mother that, when she and Alfie (blue/green eyes and described by Lily as ‘hot’) were looking at livestock at the Primestock show, it was ‘strangely romantic.’ There was an encouraging development when Rooooth tried to persuade Pip to come back and live at Rickyard and she agrees. Looks like Toby is history, and a good job too, I say.

At Lower Loxley, Elizabeth tells Freddie that she is arranging a family party for his and Lily’s 18^th birthday (12^th December - the birthday list is probably in Underwoods, although Freddie would probably prefer money). Freddie says thanks a span Mum, but he won’t be there, as he’s planning to go abroad with his mates and get wrecked. Elizabeth says she thinks not and reminds Freddie that, since the Isle of Wight episode, Freddie’s passport is locked in her safe and only she knows the code, so shut up and get to college.

Freddie gives Noluthando a lift and is impressed that some of the coolest guys at college make a point of talking to her. She has been selling them magic mushrooms and suggests that she and Freddie go foraging for more after college. The pair are in the kitchen alone (Elizabeth has gone out for a meal) and Noluthando suggests adding some mushrooms to the risotto that they are heating up. Elizabeth returns unexpectedly and says how nice the risotto looks. She tastes some and Freddie panics - she has a heart condition after all. They get her out of the kitchen and, when she returns, the risotto is in the bin, with Noluthando saying that she added too much salt and it was ruined. Never mind, Freddie comes to the rescue, saying that he will prepare one of Nigel’s favourite meals. It has a fancy French name, but turns out to be fish fingers with tomato sauce. How we laughed!

If I were Elizabeth, I wouldn’t be worried about Freddie’s birthday - if he keeps on with the mushrooms, he’ll probably end up doing time for supplying, or for manslaughter, if he picks the wrong sort of fungi.