Who’s The Daddy?

Rina Mahoney (Jess Titchener)

Little doubt about the big drama last week, when a pregnant Jess turned up at Blossom Hill Cottage, much to Helen’s surprise and, when Jess says that Rob is the father, consternation (to put it mildly). Conception apparently happened when Rob went to see Jess in February. Jess slags Rob off and Helen says that, if Rob is so despicable, why did she sleep with him? “Because he’s bloody irresistible” Jess replied, adding that no other man has even come close. I want to know what aftershave that man uses and can you buy it in bulk?

Jess assures Helen that she doesn’t want Rob back, but she wants him to face up to his responsibilities and realise that he has taken her hopes and her future away. She gets the chance when Rob returns home and tells him “I’m carrying your child - our baby. You can’t pretend that I don’t exist.” Rob’s answer is short and succinct: “Get out before I throw you out” and Jess leaves, saying “I’ll be in touch.”

Rob tells Helen that Jess is delusional, adding: “That woman is poison - the worst mistake I ever made.” Helen is, understandably, shocked and confused and rushes outside for air, making retching noises. Rob joins her and she tells him “it’s as if Jess has planted a time bomb in my life.” Rob tries to comfort Helen, saying that Jess “is trying to obliterate everything that we know is good and real” and he offers to take a pre-natal paternity test if that’s what Helen wants. “Nothing has changed between us” he adds; a statement which I submit is patently untrue.

He asks Helen if she trusts him and she replies “I do”. I must admit I’m not sure if I would, even though he says “I’m the person you know, not the character Jess has invented.” Sod trust Helen - get him to take the paternity test; that way you’ll know for sure and you can always apologise afterwards, if necessary.

Trust is also in short supply at chez Tucker. Roy, obviously feeling guilty, says that he has booked a restaurant for him and Hayley and here’s some money, so why not go out and buy a new outfit? Hayley does so, but things don’t go according to plan as, at Lower Loxley, Freddie goes AWOL. Roy says he cannot leave Elizabeth on her own so stays on. When Freddie does come back, he goes berserk when Lizzie asks him where he’s been and why did he run off? “Because my mother’s a lying cow,” he replies and lets it be known that he knows that Liz and Roy have been having sex. When Roy admonishes him, Freddie says “Who are you to tell me what to do? We employ you.” That’s you told then Roy. Roy returns home and tries to explain to Haley what happened (omitting the sex bit). Hayley asks (not unreasonably) why didn’t he call her? Roy says he’ll book the same place for next week, so presumably there’ll be another Freddie-centred disaster to cock it up again.

Over at the bottling plant, Mike isn’t happy because the pasteuriser has packed up and a new one would cost £15 K. He manages to get it repaired but confides to Ed that he wonders if it’s worth bothering to carry on. This is not what Ed wants to hear, as if Mike packs it in, where will Ed sell his milk? Vicky urges Mike to give it up. “What about Ed and Jazzer?” Mike asks, to which Vicky replies “We’re not a charity, besides, we won’t be in Ambridge much longer” which does nothing to cheer Mike up.

Ed isn’t happy because the work from Adam has dried up. In fact, Adam tells Charlie Thomas that he could do with another tractor driver and how about Ed Grundy? “No way” Charlie replies. This is strange, as, two days later, Ed is in The Bull with Jazzer and Ed is bemoaning his lot. Jazzer - trying to stir up a bit of mischief - suggests that Ed sorts things out with Charlie, who is also in the pub. Ed approaches Charlie, who tells him that he was just about to come over to see Ed to apologise for the things he called him. Even better - would Ed like some tractor work on the Estate? I find this sudden conversion unsettling - beware Charlies bearing gifts, Ed.

I think that James will kill Leonie before long, as she has him running around after her and doing all the night feeds. She won’t even let him out to wet the baby’s head, as it’s vital that the baby has constant contact with the father for the first six weeks. There is some good news, or so doting grandmothers Lilian and Lynda think, when Leonie says that, numerologically, ‘Mowgli’ is an inauspicious name. Their delight is tempered, however, when Leonie says “We quite like Montezuma, don’t we?” Will someone please give that woman a slap and stop her reading weird books and pamphlets?

Jolene and Fallon were talking about Loxfest and Jo says that Harrison really came alive on the stage and it was due to Fallon. Jo also asks if PCB arresting Wayne has affected their relationship and Fallon replies “We’re so different - maybe we’re just not meant to be.” Looks like it’s off again, lads. The talk turns to what a silly boy Wayne has been (he’s up before the Magistrate next week - get that black cap washed and ironed) and Jolene says he’s not a bad man, “but you’re better off seeing him in small doses.” Let’s think, I believe that scientists have detected radiation from about 0.00000001 seconds after the Big Bang - I reckon that’s more than long enough to spend in Wayne’s company.